I really need help! Feel hopeless.

relaygirlrelaygirl Member Posts: 218
I am new to the forum-so happy I found this site. Married for 17 years and we have not had sex in a year. I want it every day. I think about it all the time. It was stale before this dry year. I am miserable. I don't know what to do. I have tried addressing it so many ways-counseling, ED talk, etc. A few years ago I was bitchy about it. I know I was wrong. Now I am just sad. Sad for us and I am lonely. I have tried giving him reading materials quietly. I have tried to boost him up in our marriage, as the leader. I've told him how I feel-but I am done with that.

We don't even talk about it any more. I remember very clearly the last time we had sex. He came very quickly and then I just kept waiting for some more time to spend on me and he just said he was too tired. I was humiliated. I doubt he even remembers.

I feel so unwanted by him. I get attention from other men, I doubt he notices. I don't really know how I "rate" at 40 ;) I'm pretty fit-I crossfit, I run about 15 half marathons a year-there really isn't anything more physical I can become. I do try to keep myself attractive-maybe he just isn't attracted to me...at all. 

I love my husband very much. We have 3 kids and are busy...but not too busy that we can't work it out. I am about to lose hope.

Any advice? Has anyone been in this situation and had success?



  • ElaineElaine Silver Member Posts: 1,580
    It is pretty common for guys to withdraw altogether if they are having ED issues.  Luckily my guy didn't stop showing affection, but a lot of other wives have not been so lucky.  Other wives I have talked to say it is easier for a lot of guys to avoid everything physical rather than admit a problem.  Do you think your husband would go get a  physical?  Maybe he has low testosterone or high sugar or something.  Low T and/or vitamin deficiencies really can make men get into a funk pretty easily.  We solved our ED issue with testosterone therapy.  Now my hubby has way more energy, is much happier, and sex is better than ever.  Before we found out what was causing our ED, I was convinced my husband was not attracted to me.  It was the worst I have ever felt about myself - and life in general.  Don't give up.  You will get lots of great ideas from all the various ages and stages on this forum  :) 
  • relaygirlrelaygirl Member Posts: 218
    Thanks y'all-I just read the "pep talk" thread. Someone mentioned making a yearly appointment for their husband and just stating for the appointment things to be addressed. I am thinking about trying this. We have new insurance so we both need physicals. He had one about 2 years ago and he said "everything" was tested but that is all I got. 

    I have added a couple of T enhancing vitamins to his regimen just to see if anything could help. 

    About 3 years ago we both lost weight-but his drive was down when he was heavy and it is still down, obviously, being much thinner. 

    Ughh, I hate this. It is crazy being a woman in a house with this man-I think about the crazy, amazing sex I want to have with him and it is like living with a black hole. I think about how many husbands I know who would love it if their wives wanted to have amazing sex...often.

  • x1134xx1134x Member Posts: 1,229
    edited August 2012
    I know its embarassing for both of you but further describe the ED.  Does it work and then go away, or does it not ever really work despite whatever stimulation you try?  This helps distinguish between physical ED (low T, physiological function, etc) and psychological ED (Unresolved resentment, Years of masturbating to porn, etc).

    Been there, done that (psychological ED), got the T-shirt.  Its gotta be WAY hard coming from your side, since in my situation I was the high-drive person.

    Also what's your "sex rank" vs his?  i.e. if 100 men rated you, and 100 women rated him, who'd have a higher score?
    Most women unwittingly ruin the sex as a reward by being so shitty in bed during the sex, that it becomes a form of punishment rather than a reward. - Athol Kay.
  • relaygirlrelaygirl Member Posts: 218
    edited August 2012
    @Joskin-wow, I can't imagine laying down an ultimatum. But I could try. I could just see getting ignored again. I've got 3 elementary aged kids-it is hard to leave in that situation or put things on the line.

    @x1134x-it is easier to post anonymously about this for sure! It has been a while since we had sex but it seems that he would just come very quickly for the past 2 years or so-very quickly. No imagination-he always took me from behind laying in the bed. I pretty much was hindered from being involved.

    I would say we are about the same-probably 7's or 8's. I can manipulate a 9 (in a forty-ish way) probably ;) I run 50 miles a week so I have killer legs with heels in something short it is a sight to see :) I think some of his attraction for me is waning just in there is no action. At all.
  • Joskin_NoddJoskin_Nodd AshwanSilver Member Posts: 4,045
    Gay? Porn/masturbation? If not, low testosterone is a likely factor. Give him this ultimatum: f*ck me like a stallion right now, or go get your damned testosterone tested. Or I'm checking out of this marriage, even if I stay for the kids. Or resolve yourself to never having sex, and make peace with it.

    "There are no right biscuits." – Mandrill

  • DanGDanG Member Posts: 1,519
    What does this mean: "A few years ago I was bitchy about it. I know I was wrong" and "he would just come very quickly for the past 2 years or so-very quickly?"

    Was he always like this - since you first were married?

  • joe_commenterjoe_commenter Member Posts: 104
    I agree w/ Joskin about the "he has a duty to you to provide sex".  When we get married we agree to only have sex w/ our partner.  If the partner refuses sex, it is a problem.  

    I'd be very careful about the ultimatum stuff.  These are not things you sling around with-out trying everything else before the "or else" talks.  

    I will echo the Low T theory.  Physically healthy men physically need to have sex.  It is a physical necessity for a healthy man.  Rule out porn and masterbation.  and god forbid and affair.   BTW, most women are shocked at how easy it is for a man to hide a masterbation habit.  A man can get aroused and ejaculate within 2-3 minutes.  You may never know he is doing this unless you can have a frank talk with him.  

    ED will also cause a man to avoid sex.  Few things are as humiliating for a man as failing in bed w/ a woman.  My wife is very supportive in all things.  But as a man I just have to assume that erectile failure will be a major hit to my wife's perception of my attraction.

  • DidoDido EnglandSilver Member Posts: 852
    I was wondering about the exercise thing too. It sounds like you are in fantastic shape and you must spend a lot of time keeping yourself that way. Is there any chance he's feeling left out and left behind to the extent it's causing him to feel less sexually attractive to you?
  • LizLiz Member Posts: 62
     No imagination-he always took me from behind laying in the bed. I pretty much was hindered from being involved.
    Rule out him being gay. That's my first thought on reading this.
  • DidoDido EnglandSilver Member Posts: 852
    Mine too. I'm sorry but it was the first thing that came to my mind as well.
  • BrianCBrianC Oshawa, ONGold Men Posts: 3,138
    I will caution you about exploring the possibility of your husband being gay. 

    Erectile dysfunction, low testosterone, porn addiction, or an affair are all possible problems here, and I would definitely rule them out before I would even remotely consider pursuing this course.  There are few things you could do that would be more humiliating, demoralizing, or destructive to your bond than asking your husband if he is gay, if he isn't.

    Whether he believes in gay rights or not, whether he accepts gay people or not, our culture conditions straight men to think of gay guys as "not-men".  When a guy is accused of being gay -again, whether or not he believes being gay is bad - his social conditioning will make him feel emasculated.  Even more than if you were to call him a woman or a eunuch.  It isn't right, but that is how it is.

    I have seen several men emotionally check out of a marriage when this was not done properly. 

    Men are straightforward emotionally.  We are pretty much built to let go of our emotions and forget negative experiences.  Most Men actually lack several forms of recall that women possess related to emotions. It takes constant reminders of something to keep us emotionally hung up.  Unless we were taught at a young age to hold grudges, we simply don't.  That being said once a man feels completely emasculated by his wife, it can take years for him to let go and forgive her for it, it is an incredibly deep wound that hits right at the core of his sexuality, and he will eb reminded of it every time he thinks of sex with you.  A wife asking her husband if he is gay is playing with the worst possible kind of fire.

    Also, if you investigate this route subtly, please be aware that many straight men find gay porn to be arousing, and will watch and enjoy it despite having no actual desire to have sex with men.  The presence of gay porn will not be a helpful indicator.

    As I re-read your post, I realized that there is some gaps in the information provided.  How long has sex been a problem?  We know you haven't had it in a year, and that it has been "a few years", but when did the sex start to dry up?  What was going on at the time?

    Also, we know you have had arguments with him, but have you flat out, and unemotionally asked him what he needs you to do, or what he needs to do for himself in order to bring lovemaking (not just "duty sex") back into the relationship?  (Sorry if this seems like a dumb question, but asking them is my job.)

    Also, does he get erections while he is sleeping?  Men in good health get about 4 involuntary erections in their sleep.  If you can stay up to observe one night, that might help give you an idea as to whether or not this is a physical problem.

    All men are great men, most fail to see the greatness in themselves.

    Power, Passion, Principle and Purpose: The Wild Man Project

    My most popular articles: The Art of the Apology (also on video), The Basics of Assertiveness, The Art of Friendship

  • relaygirlrelaygirl Member Posts: 218
    I cannot thank y'all enough for responding to me. 

    I guess I did leave gaps just because I did not want to ramble--I mean, we have a LONG history. I have dated him since I was 17 and married at 22. We've been through a bit of everything-just like our marriage vows state!!!

    Our 17th anniversary is Sunday. I can't even imagine how this is going to be-I doubt there will be any sex involved which makes me want to cry. 

    @Joskin_Nodd  I LOVE IT-- f*ck me like a stallion right now, or go get your damned testosterone tested. I am cracking up. I needed that. And it is exactly the way I feel. 

    @DanG I kind of yelled at him about 3 years ago about this for several weeks being very bitchy. I'm sure it made him feel bad. I really backed down after that. I started to give up. I have been blunt and just stated how unhappy I am about the lack of sex and I feel like we are supposed to be there for each other. But still no effort or talk. I think I am going to do this again though-part of my plan.

    At the beginning of our relationship I was very dominant-it was all I knew. I had a very driven, successful (in business) mom who taught me to manipulate my dad (a full bird colonel) and men. I effectively crunched all over my boyfriend and then husband. I really knew things were bad around age 24. He was starting to look at porn-he was 31 about then. We talked it through and went to some counseling. We were under a lot of financial stress too. Sex got pretty regular after that-it was never a rocking experience but I was happy. He seemed happy. During all of this we were both overweight--working all the time. We really focused on our roles here and I backed way down. 

    Then we had 3 kids 3 years apart. The amount of sex went way down after #3--to like 2x a month. This was about 6 years ago-I gave it a year to settle in to having 3 kids and getting over the baby tiredness, etc. That is when I went bitchy, to responding emotionally, to giving up. I started counseling on my own because he will not go. All that is spread out over the last 6 years. 

    I was never hot until after having #3. I didn't know I had it in me. But I do. I got very heavy and then I lost 65lbs about 4 years ago. My husband then said he wanted to lose weight-I said he had to eat exactly what I gave him. He did and he lost 75lbs. We've both kept it off. I always walked and jogged-but when I lost weight I got faster and faster. I found out I could compete in my age group at certain distances (half to whole marathons) I was even sponsored for a year by a women's athletic company. He is very proud of me and tells me a lot.

    I am certain he is not gay and not having an affair--I think he is lazy. I am sure it is Low T or ED-but I can't get him to address it. I need to read up on the differences. He could be looking at porn-but from our experience with that a long time ago he is very transparent with his online time and access. We have 2 boys playing travel baseball in a very competitive area--really, that is all the extra time we have :)  

    @ichabod I would jump on morning wood in a heartbeat ;)

    @Ardee I do need a well-thought out plan, thank you. I love him. I don't want to hurt him. I want to make love with him. I want to feel cherished as a woman. I want to lift him up as a man. I am blessed and appreciated as a homemaker and mother but I want it all. I want lovers whispers, teasing, even boob honking, 10 second kisses that lead to more. Sigh.

    Thanks y'all-

  • Joskin_NoddJoskin_Nodd AshwanSilver Member Posts: 4,045
    @relaygirl: "At the beginning of our relationship I was very dominant-it was all I knew. I had a very driven, successful (in business) mom who taught me to manipulate my dad (a full bird colonel) and men. I effectively crunched all over my boyfriend and then husband. I really knew things were bad around age 24. He was starting to look at porn-he was 31 about then. We talked it through and went to some counseling"

    That you demanded he go to? BTW, most women tend towards domination in the relationship, because it's a natural form of fitness testing, and men have been taught to be beta supplicants and they are bad if they are not, so it ends up becoming the default mode. Yet it always causes problems: either the husband increases the beta in a misguided effort to placate his wife, and kills her attraction to him, or the domineering bitchiness of his wife and his own discomfort with his beta role kills his attraction to her. You might be suffering the latter. 

    "He could be looking at porn-but from our experience with that a long time ago he is very transparent with his online time and access."

    There are ways around it. 

    I assume you've tried unsolicited BJs? Does he push you away? If so, he may be an alien sent to earth to study this thing you humans call love, only he's doing it wrong. ;) 

    "There are no right biscuits." – Mandrill

  • Joskin_NoddJoskin_Nodd AshwanSilver Member Posts: 4,045
    @relaygirl: " even boob honking"

    Any woman who wants her man to do a little straightforward boob honking deserves a husband that will roger her roundly. I wish you luck!

    "There are no right biscuits." – Mandrill

  • relaygirlrelaygirl Member Posts: 218
    @Joskin_Nodd  Lord, I really hope I didn't kill his attraction to me because that was a very long time ago! We mutually went into counseling then(it was in '97)-we both knew our roles were wrong. I have huge "mother" issues-he was able to see how she was and how it came out in our relationship. It was really helpful. I learned so, so much and became a lot more confident in myself. 

    I am by no means perfect :) but I am not domineering anymore-like since 1998. But did he really step up to be the alpha I needed him to be-not really in everything-someways, yes. Do I resent this? quietly, yes. Am I bitter? Maybe I am too busy with my kids to figure that out. But I know I don't want that kind of life full of regret and resentment.

    I have not tried an unsolicited bj in 2 years. I was rejected. Once rejected going for something like that, you don't really try again. I do not even remember the last time he went down on me. I can't believe I am being this explicit--but I kind of like it.

    Maybe I suck at everything (pun intended) but I do know eagerness, willingness, listening counts for a lot--hell, if he even breathed on me down there I would probably come. Wow, I said that too ;)  I have a lot of fantasies involving bj's...sorry, @ichabod !

    My plan of action today is to work on the physical angle. I don't want to manipulate him but I think this might be for his own good-in prompting the receptionist that he would like to get his T tested in the appointment. Is this wrong?

    @ichabod I am going to try to build the courage to tell him...again. Thanks for the support!

  • Joskin_NoddJoskin_Nodd AshwanSilver Member Posts: 4,045
    @relaygirl: " I have a lot of fantasies involving bj's..."

    Good lord. I swear, this place could easily turn into the "mutual dissatisfaction" club. You suck, Cupid!

    Best of luck!

    "There are no right biscuits." – Mandrill

  • TK421TK421 Silver Member Posts: 1,108
    Sounds like depression. What man wouldn't want to fuck a hot, horny MILF like you???
  • JaneJane Member Posts: 978

    @relaygirll : How is he in the rest of his life?  My husband also suffered from low T and it manifested with ED.  But he was having other symptoms which i initally wrote offf as "he's lazy."  He simply had no drive to do ANYTHING.  He pretty much wanted to sit on the couch all day.  He napped often.  They thought it was depression and tried a million things to treat thedepression with no improvement.   Then after the ED started that was the preciptiating factor.   I have been where you are (coincidently, I'm also a distance runner!  marathons for me) and was getting plenty of interest from other men, so i couldn't figure out why my husband haed "lost attraction for me"  I remember getting out of bed one night and SOBBING after he lost his erection and proceeded to roll over and stop tuching me.  I was soooo hurt.  It wasn't the ED, it was that he would refuse ANY physcal stuff because of it.  The  men around here say that tears are blackmail, but damn they work.   In my hysteria i blurtedd out "you don't love me, you don't even want to tuouch me; I've gotten to fat for you and you dont think i'm atrractive (I had gained about 10 lbs once we got married...) "  I was a mess, but when if finally LISTENED to what I was feeling, he became much more receptive.  He went and got his T checked .  That was a turning point in our LIFE.  He just became so much more engaged.  He wants to do things, likes to chat and laugh and of course have a lot of sex...You might be able to leverage your hurt  to get some action in terms of figureing it out...

    I HIGHLY doubt he's gay.  Is he more on the smaller side?  cause rear entry on your belly can be more friction for a smaller guy.  Or maybe he just likes pressign up against your great ass...

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