Sex without the emotional connection

MommyHoneyBearMommyHoneyBear CanadaSilver Member Posts: 525
I'm risking starting yet another thread here.

I have the feeling this may all be in my head and I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it really is.

Does anyone have any thoughts on having sex with your spouse while the emotional connection is missing?  I've always felt that the connection was important or necessary for me to be able to have an enjoyable sex life with @Ron.  However the last while has shown that to not be the case with us.

I'm not exactly sure how to explain it, I still very much love Ron and he loves me but there's still very much a distance between us for obvious reasons.  Shouldn't this impact my enjoyment of sex?

This weekend was a good example, ton's of great sex, but it wasn't like "making love" it was really just well, fucking.  It just kinda feels like we're just getting each other off.  Or "one night standing" each other over and over again.

Should I just stop over analyzing things and enjoy it for what it is?  The connection will come back right?


  • Monkeys_UncleMonkeys_Uncle RuralGold Men Zen Garden Posts: 4,041

    It might take a good long while for that kind of sex to make a return appearance, and "new Ron" is probably going to associate gentle sweet love-making with the Beta behavior that landed his marriage in trouble in the first place, so he will probably be reluctant to engage in that even if it is something he wants. 

    I don't think it is something you can ask him to give you right now, but if it is still missing from your relationship in 6 months or a year, and everything else has been progressing well, it is something you might bring up.  But right now there is probably still too much hurt and anger for him to express that to you through sex, even though you guys are making huge strides. 

    "My advice to you is get married:  if you find a good wife you'll be happy, if not, you'll become a philosopher." -Socrates

    [Deleted User]
  • MommyHoneyBearMommyHoneyBear CanadaSilver Member Posts: 525
    @monkeys_uncle, that's fair enough, hadn't really thought about it that way.  Sex is good.  Sometimes really good.  It's just different now and I think maybe I have unrealistic ideas or expectations on what sex should be like going forward and how quickly we can get back to a "normal" whatever that new normal will become.

    Maybe this is the new normal?
  • RedRed Southeast USSilver Member Posts: 445
    edited February 2013
    I was thinking about this last night after sex that ended with a good O but didn't leave me feeling tender or particularly loving towards him.  We have really good sex that results in really good Os and feels great physically, but doesn't leave me feeling emotionally close.  Sometimes it feels like I could get the same feelings from having sex with anyone because it's just about the physical part of sex.   

    It didn't use to be that way. We used to have sex that was emotionally connecting for me. Sometimes I would cry after an O because I felt so full of love, so tender and connected. It truly felt like "making love".  A physical expression of an emotional feeling. 

    About 10 years ago there were some things that damaged our connection and trust.  Our sex was affected and I don't think it's ever gotten back to the way it used to be.  So often it feels like fucking, sex for physical pleasure. I'm not saying there's anything wrong about that kind of sex, but I miss the connecting kind. 

    I think part of the bitter taste of red pill awareness for me is fear of that connection being permanently affected by first, the damage we did years ago and second, the knowledge of MMSL concepts and the new ways we see each other.  @AWACS said "The connection will return as you both start to live more authentically" and that gives me a little hope.  

    I don't know how much is influenced about my particular views on sex and how much from the damage we caused through bad decisions.  I wonder how much of what you're feeling @MommyHoneyBear is related to your actions at the Christmas party. 

    Sometimes when women complain that it's "all about the sex" this is the thing I think of.  No connection, just an orgasm.  That's great and all, but something that could be had from any guy who has sex skills and the ability to get you off.  No connection necessary. 

    I don't think my husband feels this way. I often get the feeling he does feel connected through any kind of sex. 

    I think this line of thinking gets in the way of me *fully* enjoying the sex we have. Any other FO's know what I'm talking about?
    neenMommyHoneyBear[Deleted User]
  • x1134xx1134x Member Posts: 1,229
    edited February 2013
    I think "marking his territory sex" is to be expected.  All alpha, no beta sex? :-O  What a surprise.  Not.  

    Sex is good.  Sometimes really good.  
    Sex is a lot like pizza.  When its good, its really good, when its bad, its still pretty good.

    LOL "Ronny Romance" will make a return.  Once he's got this whole "this bitch almost cheated on me" sorted out in his head.  Give it time.  Patience.
    Most women unwittingly ruin the sex as a reward by being so shitty in bed during the sex, that it becomes a form of punishment rather than a reward. - Athol Kay.
    Monkeys_Uncle[Deleted User]Linanatirangerwifey
  • hopingformorehopingformore Member Posts: 666
    iam44 said:

    Be happy you are having sex at all and that you are having some nice normal responsive desire and that he is doing nice biologically normal animal things to you and your lovely little body. The emotional connection can come to you as you work out your trust issues etc. Beit warm and loving sex or mad monkey sex, sex is good, particularly if you are both enjoying it on some level, any level.

    From the other side of the fence I can assure you that it's a lot harder to create the emotional connection in the absence of a physical one as well.

    You have "rich white girl problems" right now my dear. Enjoy them

    All of these responses are really good for me to read too. Valid question MHB.

  • MommyHoneyBearMommyHoneyBear CanadaSilver Member Posts: 525
    Thanks @Red, I still have a lot of guilt which probably has some impact on preventing me from feeling the connection like you mentioned.

  • MommyHoneyBearMommyHoneyBear CanadaSilver Member Posts: 525
    @TedD, thank you for your comments, they are really helpful.  Ron and I talked about this a bit last night and he encouraged me to ask the board and see what they thought.  His view is that he's felt the same thing as me but believes the deeper connection will come in time and there's not much we can do to speed things up no matter how impatient I am.

  • TedDTedD USAMember Posts: 1,587
    Think of it this way.  You are having great sex, so that isn't an issue.  And this gives you something to work towards AND look forward to, right?

    And I'll tell you this: finding that connection again felt absolutely wonderful, and again we weren't having any problems other than my brain working against me.  When things start to click for you two, it will be incredible stuff. 
  • TedDTedD USAMember Posts: 1,587
    Don't discount the need/desire for a deep emotional connection during sex from men AND women.  I for one am VERY MUCH the type of person that needs to feel this at least some of the time.  Sex for most of my life has largely been more "spiritual" than "physical" pleasure, so the concept of enjoying a simple "fuck" is rather new to me.  I still don't think I'm emotionally capable of pulling of casual sex, which is fine, but I am learning to let loose enough with my wife to simply bang the hell out of her without feeling the need to engage emotionally.  

    My recent concern was that since then, we tend to simply go straight to "fuck mode" and I wasn't getting my "making love" fix.  What I found is I have to steer that ship (just as with everything in the Captain/FO model) and she is more than happy to follow my lead.  So, if I start feeling empty on the making love side, I make love to her and she follows.  If I start the romp off hard and heavy, she starts scratching and biting. (well, she really doesn't bite.  It would be a lie to say she doesn't scratch though...)

    As long as I know beyond all doubt that making love is simply a matter of making it so, I'm more comfortable going for the fuck instead.  So I understand MHB's frustration with this.  I can't go too long without a making love session or I start feeling used rather than loved when it comes to sex.  

    What can I say?  My wiring is crossed. :P
  • RedRed Southeast USSilver Member Posts: 445
    haniel said:
    I recommend lying on your back with your head hanging off the side of the bed. Ron'll know what to do.
    Because fucking and more fucking is always the right answer. ;)
  • rangerwifeyrangerwifey Member Posts: 194
    I think what's going on with you and Ron @MommyHoneyBear has a name, isn't called "Hysterical Bonding"!? Following an EA Affair from either partner?

    It's actually normal... Part of the healing process even.
  • SerenitySerenity Senior Moderator** Posts: 11,336
    MHB, Don't worry about posting too much.  It's not like you're holding a gun to anyone's head and making them read it.  Lots of threads out there for the people who don't like yours. And they can always put you on 'Ignore' if it really bugs them. ;)

    I think what you're feeling is pretty normal.  I experienced this a lot with CaptR as he and I came back from the edge. Sex without the emotional connection can feel a little empty, but it's better than nothing.

    Keep having sex and don't worry too much about the emotional connection just yet.  It will come with time. The sex will trigger oxytocin that will help with your bonding process.

    You all have made amazing progress in a short time. :)
  • williewillie Oklahoma Silver Member Posts: 518
    MHB, if Athol had advertising on this site, he'd be paying you to post.  

    I also think what you are going through is normal.  As you work through things, the closeness will return.  In the meantime, it's hard for a man not to love a woman giving him regular, good sex.  
  • MommyHoneyBearMommyHoneyBear CanadaSilver Member Posts: 525
    Sometimes it may seem like a silly or obvious question to everyone else but I'm finding writing things down helps me sort things out in my head.  My mind is always running at full throttle but I'm trying to take my time before posting something.  I have a million more posts I could have done but came up with my own answers after typing it out saving you all the headache and bandwidth. 

    @Ron encouraged me to ask this, he thought I'd get some reassurance here and he was right.

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