Help.....wife said "I feel like such an object"

TK421TK421 Posts: 1,108Silver Member
edited July 2013 in Married Life
For a little background on where I am, here is the last thread I posted where my wife said she was "over sex."

Last night we went out and had a great night together, ended with some sex. Here's everything that led up to it. Wednesday I initiated. Got a hard no, said she wasn't feeling good down there. Thursday another no because she had too much work to do but during Thursday dinner, she pulled the top of her shirt away to flash me a nipple but showed she was wearing a Bistol Six nippie cover. Which I love. Which she knows I love. I tell her I need to see her in that. She says "I'll leave it on for tomorrow."

Which brings me to last night. Parents stay home with the kid and we ride out bikes to a new bar close by. Have one drink, have a great time. Ride to another bar and get dinner, each have one more drink. More great conversation. Some hugging and kissing while we're in line. Just a happily married couple.

Ride bikes to third location, a comedy club where a bunch of our friends are. We have two drinks there, talk with friends and basically enjoy being out. Around midnight we ride our bikes home. My parents say good night and leave, the kid is asleep so we get down to the sex.

Start off light and fun. We're cracking jokes. She's a little tipsy after 4 drinks. We starting F-ing. She says it hurts and asks for more lube. I comply. I can tell she's hurting so I speed things up and finish. To my surprise, she wants to keep going and asks for the vibrator. I give it to her and lay beside her stroking. (here's a benefit of Cialis) 5 minutes later I'm hard again and ready to go. I ask if she wants it. She says yes, use lots of lube. I do. We're missionary. She wants to flip so we do.

Here's where it gets weird: Since it's going to be my second orgasm in 30 minutes I go fast and hard, and she's moaning like she likes it. I finish and collapse beside her but now she's crying. Not sobbing but has tears and is whimpering a little. I figure I went too hard. Go downstairs and clean up, get water. I come back upstairs and now she's on the floor naked, tears in her eyes. She says she couldn't O and doesn't know what's wrong.

Then the full on crying begins. I ask if there is anything I can do, she shakes her head. I say maybe you were tired or stressed??? She says "I don't know...." while crying....then "I feel like such an object." Gets up and goes downstairs to sleep in the guest room. I was totally shocked by this response since it totally didn't align with the type of night we had. I figured it was best to let her go and not say another word.

Of course, I got hardly any sleep last night. She's still passed out. Thoughts???? Maybe I was too rough? What the hell???? I'm just totally confused and not sure what to do next. Bring it up? Let it go?


  • EightbitEightbit DruidiaPosts: 2,348Gold Men
    edited July 2013
    I guess my only concern is that she wanted an orgasm and yet you didn't seem to have any concern in making sure she got there. You had two orgasms and she had none. Of course she feels used.

    OTOH, she should have probably told you. When you finished the second time were you unaware that she had not orgasmed? I mean I don't always know how many my wife has, but I always know if she had one and she always makes it clear if she wants one.
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    TK421[Deleted User]
  • BadBoyBadBoy Posts: 59Silver Member
    For what it's worth; I would have not let the night end on that note. But I'm a 'nice guy.' Still, I think the best action to take would have been to reassure her that she is much more than an "object." You asked if there was anything you could do, and you made some suggestions about what might have inhibited her orgasm (in other words you tried to 'fix' her failure to orgasm), but you didn't address her lack of feeling cared for other than for sex. I think it would have been good to reward her effort to extend herself sexually (didn't she say she was over sex?), by reassuring her.
  • TK421TK421 Posts: 1,108Silver Member
    Yeah, I see what you're all saying. So in my mind, when she said it was hurting I tried to finish as soon as I could. When I saw she wanted to keep going, I gave myself a few minutes to recover and then kept going, thinking that the second time would help her O.

    So I was trying to make her O she just....wasn't getting there. And in between first and second session, when she was using the vibrator on herself, I tried to help out but she pushed my hand away. It was only when I was hard again did she want me back in.

    I definitely get it though - during the second time I should have been focused on getting her to O (which I was) but I needed to see it through to completion.

    So she's awake now, and acting like nothing happened. Being pleasant and cheerful. Singing while she cooks (she sings when she's happy). When she's in a bad mood, she's in a BAD mood. But she seems ok now. Not sure if I should bring it up or if I should just let it go and up the beta comfort.
  • EightbitEightbit DruidiaPosts: 2,348Gold Men
    I'd only bring it up if you agree with us that you failed her. The fact that she slept separate from you makes me think it needs to be discussed, regardless of her good mood.
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  • BadBoyBadBoy Posts: 59Silver Member
    edited July 2013
    Letting it go, not talking about things (like the elephant in the living room) is not going to move you closer to honesty, resolution and intimacy. The concern you should have is her feeling like an object, not her not having an O. The lack of O is minor. You need to let her know that she is more to you than an object. The two of you need to talk about that. If she brings up the O, than talk about that too.
  • EightbitEightbit DruidiaPosts: 2,348Gold Men
    edited July 2013
    Four drinks in one night is not drunk. You say a little tipsy. Four drinks for my wife over six hours wouldn't even make her tipsy. Aside from the dryness I personally don't think the alcohol was a problem here. Were you drunk?

    I think focusing on the alcohol here is wrong.
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    LiquidSoundVersion3Matt266[Deleted User]
  • SerenitySerenity Posts: 10,680Senior Moderator**
    Does she usually O from PIV?
  • EightbitEightbit DruidiaPosts: 2,348Gold Men
    She left the room and slept in the spare room and we're good with chalking this up to being tipsy after four drinks over six hours?

    I hope I'm wrong, I'm just worried that something else is at play here.
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  • TK421TK421 Posts: 1,108Silver Member
    Serenity Yes, she usually does from PIV. 9 out of 10 times I'd say.

    She was definitely drunk. 4 drinks over about a 5 hour period, but 4 powerful drinks. 7% alcohol type beer and the third one was about a 20 ozer...she's tiny too. 5'2" and maybe 120 lbs. She was drunk. She said so, and I could tell.

    I have mixed feelings. While I agree not to ruin the good mood and letting it go might be one approach, as

    Eightbit said, there is something else here. She felt bad about something that I ultimately caused. While I'd be happy to discuss it if she brought it up, when I try to talk to her about things like this she tends to close up and say nothing is wrong, etc....

    I think I just need more time to think about what I should do next, aside from upping the beta.

  • TK421TK421 Posts: 1,108Silver Member
    She came home from her kung fu class in a friggin awesome mood so I'm definitely not saying anything in the short term. Not today, unless she brings it up. Long term though it is something that needs to be fixed, no doubt. 
  • EightbitEightbit DruidiaPosts: 2,348Gold Men
    edited July 2013
    If she's not prone to sweeping things under the rug, I think you're good here. 7% beer is like two in one. Add a twenty ounce to that and you're talking eight drinks not four. HUGE difference lol.
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  • TK421TK421 Posts: 1,108Silver Member
    Low drive woman are more vulnerable to the experience of feeling objectified and it is this feeling of being objectified that can trap them into staying low drive because having sex attacks their self esteem as feeling like a worthless object being used by the man.
    This resonates. As does the rest of your post. The issue is not about alcohol, even though that played a part, but a complicated and deep sense of her identity as a female. I've been hearing themes like these as long as I've known her. She was sexually molested as a child and though she's only talked about that 3 or 4 times (and I know little details) it's become part of her psyche.

    She absolutely should take a more active role in pursuing her own pleasure. While she does initiate a good percentage of our sexual encounters, once we get started I am owning almost all the acts. I do what I want and she follows along, I need to give her power and almost the permission to do things she would like (which is tough, with her being low D). She's never sure exactly what she wants and neither am I.
  • themacnutthemacnut Philadelphia, PAPosts: 368Silver Member
    edited July 2013
    Well, like KatherineKelly said, a good start would be to have her get on top of you and ride you. Make her do the work there - you'll have to at first if she's not used to doing it.

    Husband of over a decade, stepfather of 3, creator of the superhero webcomic The Vanguard.
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